She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
