a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Randomize
