what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
