I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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