Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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