My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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