Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
