I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
