Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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