can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
