Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
