there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
