FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
