Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
