I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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