I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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