If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
