and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
