so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
