i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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