my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
