He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
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Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
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Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
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