At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Randomize
