The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
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