I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
