I didn't shave. On purpose
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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