...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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