Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
