so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
