There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
