Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
