I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
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I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
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