I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
