Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
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The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
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