Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
