She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
