Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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