so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
