Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
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