When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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