Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
