I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize