so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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