Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
