I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
