So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Everclear isn't food dammit
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
