it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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