he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
