yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Randomize
