I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
