I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
