I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
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please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
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She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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