Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Success! We fucked roommates!
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
