You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
i came on her dog
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
