Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
The power of my boobs compel you
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
